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Feb. 22nd, 2021 08:13 amI don't know
It's been a long time since I was on Dreamwidth or AO3
No deleting.
I spent 2 hours last night crying as I listened to a song from a video game on repeat. I was teary before that, I still am actually. There are a lot of reasons why that song: it's a weird game that I would never personally play but a Twitch streamer I watch kept the end of the game to be played on Christmas last year (I hadn't watched any of his previous gameplay and only knew what I had read on Wikipedia) and because I don't celebrate Christmas and had nothing better to do, I watched. I can't remember if I was pre or actually menstrual but I was definitely hormonally compromised so the emotional bits really got to me and had me bawling. So when I listen to that song, I remember the game's story, which is always what draws me to a game, and then there's both the lyrics and melody that just gets to me. Afterwards I listened to sad cello music on YouTube, mainly because I was sad but also because I love the sound of the cello.
I have no one to talk to. Not strictly true but it feels that way. Or maybe I should clarify, I have no one I trust with all of my... thoughts? feelings?
When I was younger and I complained about something or tried to express myself I was told I'm just feeling sorry for myself, so I stopped and bottled everything inside. Now I don't know how to express myself properly. I cry when I'm angry because I don't how to properly verbalise
I am currently hormonally compromised otherwise I would have everything tightly bottled up. My jaw actually hurts cause I unconsciuosly clenching them
I feel guilt about the fic I've writeen and posted that weren't complete. Even though I haven't written a word in months I still have old fic ideas floating in my brain, causing more guilt. If I look at the history of my writing I'll probably get back into it in 3 years time, create a new profile on a new site and try to forgot the unfinished fic I've abandoned as if I don't love them. I still remember how I want most of them to go too, if not the finer details, then definitely the overall story.
I've thought about doing podfics of all my faves, I have a decent enough mic now so I could, but who would want to listen to it? Evene I find my recorded voice annoying - which apparently is how I actually sound so n wonder I kept getting told to be quiet. The ultimate project would be Tarlan's Silent Word series :) I find myself thinking about it a lot - about turning them into podfics, all 300000+ words of it. But I'd probably get a third of the way through and then lose focus/interest/drive - just like with my writing. And that'd just be another thing I'd get to feel guilty about.
Got distracted by work, so lost whatever train of thought I had. I'm currently working from home; decided for myself that I would stay at home March last year when our President announced a lockdown, went in for a few weeks in November/December because the boss asked me to (still not sure why though) and been home since. I hate my job. It's easy office work so not really bad but I hate being idle, especially when it takes me 2 and a half hours to get to work in the morning and about 2 hours to get home in the evening, which is usually about how long I actually work for the day but because I use public transport, and there's hardly any buses on that route, I have to stay there the whole day. So staying home works out fine for me. Except my boss is an asshole who really shouldn't be running his own company. I don't really want to go into too much detail cos it upsets me, but just know he doesn't know how to manage finances and now I get paid less. I understand that times are really tough right now, but the company wouldn't be in such a state if he'd been better with its money. Anyway...
I need to find me a new job but it's the one thing I absolutely hate doing. I guess it's because I have to put myself out there for people to look at and judge, and I'm always worrying about what people think of me, even strangers on the internet. I'm not making this private though, it's not like anyone is going to actually read it. And maybe one day when I need to leave a note, it'd be easier to just print this and possible future "rants" out and leave it for my siblings to find. It's a toss-up right now of whether it's suicide or me just up and leaving one day. I'll wait until after my parents have passed though before I think about it with any seriousness.
Back to the job thing, I've looked at vacancies and applied to a few and never heard back. The not hearing back from them really gets to me, which is why I apply for jobs sporadically, but I really really want/need a different job. I'm getting to the point that anything would be better than what I have.
I'm currently sitting in my room typing this, mostly with tears in my eyes and my jaws aching from clenching, and my parents are downstairs totally oblivious. They wouldn't understand though. And they'd probably tell me to prayer, but I don't know if I believe that Allah can really make things better just because I've sat down on my muslah and asked for help. I guess it couldn't hurt to try, not like I have many other options. Something they don't know though is that I don't really know how to make salaah - which is "shameful" of a muslim my age. I'd always thought I'd get married to a good muslim man and I'd become a better muslim so that I could be an example for my kids but that hasn't happened yet, and not looking likely as the years roll by.
I almost deleted that whole section^
I'd always dreamt of getting married, having my own home, kids, family, people who loved me and actually showed it... now I'd settle for a cat. We were never allowed pets, still mostly can't, but I've talked my Dad into letting me get a cat on the condition it stays out of his way and my sister insists that if I do, the cat stays upstairs. Cats, like children, are expensive and I can't afford one right now :( unless I ignore proper cat ownership responsibilities and take one from people giving kittens away for free. I really want to adopt from a shelter though
I think that's it for today; my head hurts as much as my jaws and heart, so I'm gonna stop here today. Who knows if I'll ever do this again, or anything to change things... I should though. I want to be happy
It's been a long time since I was on Dreamwidth or AO3
No deleting.
I spent 2 hours last night crying as I listened to a song from a video game on repeat. I was teary before that, I still am actually. There are a lot of reasons why that song: it's a weird game that I would never personally play but a Twitch streamer I watch kept the end of the game to be played on Christmas last year (I hadn't watched any of his previous gameplay and only knew what I had read on Wikipedia) and because I don't celebrate Christmas and had nothing better to do, I watched. I can't remember if I was pre or actually menstrual but I was definitely hormonally compromised so the emotional bits really got to me and had me bawling. So when I listen to that song, I remember the game's story, which is always what draws me to a game, and then there's both the lyrics and melody that just gets to me. Afterwards I listened to sad cello music on YouTube, mainly because I was sad but also because I love the sound of the cello.
I have no one to talk to. Not strictly true but it feels that way. Or maybe I should clarify, I have no one I trust with all of my... thoughts? feelings?
When I was younger and I complained about something or tried to express myself I was told I'm just feeling sorry for myself, so I stopped and bottled everything inside. Now I don't know how to express myself properly. I cry when I'm angry because I don't how to properly verbalise
I am currently hormonally compromised otherwise I would have everything tightly bottled up. My jaw actually hurts cause I unconsciuosly clenching them
I feel guilt about the fic I've writeen and posted that weren't complete. Even though I haven't written a word in months I still have old fic ideas floating in my brain, causing more guilt. If I look at the history of my writing I'll probably get back into it in 3 years time, create a new profile on a new site and try to forgot the unfinished fic I've abandoned as if I don't love them. I still remember how I want most of them to go too, if not the finer details, then definitely the overall story.
I've thought about doing podfics of all my faves, I have a decent enough mic now so I could, but who would want to listen to it? Evene I find my recorded voice annoying - which apparently is how I actually sound so n wonder I kept getting told to be quiet. The ultimate project would be Tarlan's Silent Word series :) I find myself thinking about it a lot - about turning them into podfics, all 300000+ words of it. But I'd probably get a third of the way through and then lose focus/interest/drive - just like with my writing. And that'd just be another thing I'd get to feel guilty about.
Got distracted by work, so lost whatever train of thought I had. I'm currently working from home; decided for myself that I would stay at home March last year when our President announced a lockdown, went in for a few weeks in November/December because the boss asked me to (still not sure why though) and been home since. I hate my job. It's easy office work so not really bad but I hate being idle, especially when it takes me 2 and a half hours to get to work in the morning and about 2 hours to get home in the evening, which is usually about how long I actually work for the day but because I use public transport, and there's hardly any buses on that route, I have to stay there the whole day. So staying home works out fine for me. Except my boss is an asshole who really shouldn't be running his own company. I don't really want to go into too much detail cos it upsets me, but just know he doesn't know how to manage finances and now I get paid less. I understand that times are really tough right now, but the company wouldn't be in such a state if he'd been better with its money. Anyway...
I need to find me a new job but it's the one thing I absolutely hate doing. I guess it's because I have to put myself out there for people to look at and judge, and I'm always worrying about what people think of me, even strangers on the internet. I'm not making this private though, it's not like anyone is going to actually read it. And maybe one day when I need to leave a note, it'd be easier to just print this and possible future "rants" out and leave it for my siblings to find. It's a toss-up right now of whether it's suicide or me just up and leaving one day. I'll wait until after my parents have passed though before I think about it with any seriousness.
Back to the job thing, I've looked at vacancies and applied to a few and never heard back. The not hearing back from them really gets to me, which is why I apply for jobs sporadically, but I really really want/need a different job. I'm getting to the point that anything would be better than what I have.
I'm currently sitting in my room typing this, mostly with tears in my eyes and my jaws aching from clenching, and my parents are downstairs totally oblivious. They wouldn't understand though. And they'd probably tell me to prayer, but I don't know if I believe that Allah can really make things better just because I've sat down on my muslah and asked for help. I guess it couldn't hurt to try, not like I have many other options. Something they don't know though is that I don't really know how to make salaah - which is "shameful" of a muslim my age. I'd always thought I'd get married to a good muslim man and I'd become a better muslim so that I could be an example for my kids but that hasn't happened yet, and not looking likely as the years roll by.
I almost deleted that whole section^
I'd always dreamt of getting married, having my own home, kids, family, people who loved me and actually showed it... now I'd settle for a cat. We were never allowed pets, still mostly can't, but I've talked my Dad into letting me get a cat on the condition it stays out of his way and my sister insists that if I do, the cat stays upstairs. Cats, like children, are expensive and I can't afford one right now :( unless I ignore proper cat ownership responsibilities and take one from people giving kittens away for free. I really want to adopt from a shelter though
I think that's it for today; my head hurts as much as my jaws and heart, so I'm gonna stop here today. Who knows if I'll ever do this again, or anything to change things... I should though. I want to be happy
